Tuesday, October 30, 2007
The loneliness of the long-distance phd program
I feel very lonely in the classroom these days. Not that I don't like people: I do! But why doesn't anyone agree with me anymore? (Maybe probably? because I am wrong.) I am getting too political and it seems like other people are getting less political. In the torture seminar we all knew what was at stake. (Ben, I am thinking of "the torture that is living just now." Are you in Bolivia working for Morales?) If I think I am the only person in class who saw the good in Tolstoy, and the only person in class who understood Wilde that probably means I am a polemical, egocentric jerk. I know. Either I am more concerned than ever about the state of the world (and the university in the world) or I have gone completely off the plank (into craziness). I miss you. One new friend says that everyone is so confused (including me) because no one has read Marx (including the Marxist professors). That we'd have gotten a lot further by now if we'd read him (remember Anton said read the Bible and read Marx? But he said, "Then you will miss the Bible." But we still have to read Marx to get anywhere?) By the way is this Rendition movie actually as racist and insidious as it has been described to me? (By a girl who didn't think it was racist or insidious at all but only "meek.") So. I am tired of feeling so passionate in class and this worry that I am being totally egotistical and self-important (the defender of Tolstoy, the explainer of Wilde). Things are a lot less clear than they were in torture class, and it seems to me that that means things are worse than ever. I would go for a walk to calm down, but I might get shot. (Except I wouldn't get shot, because I am a white woman and I would be on the news. I would just get mugged. Still.) I don't feel calm and I miss the feeling of not feeling calm together. Please come go to school with me. Or tell me how to not be so crazy in class. (And so exhausted after class that I can't do my work.) It's mis-directed intensity, huh? Well. Anyway. Wish you were here and could tell me whether or not I am totally insane. Probably if I am not laughing, I am.
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4 comments:
Elsie,
let's have a Marx reading club by correspondance. One will read, write notes, mail to the other. Or maybe simultaneous reading and mailing, like rock-paper-scissors.
I am certainly not polemical these days--as I experience it, graduate school = feeling inadequate as a graduate student. Never get it all done, never formulate things clearly enough--I'm far too worried about my own inadequacy to do anything outside.
Durham is a bad neighborhood?
Get back to me about the marx reading club, when you have the energy.
miss you,
c
Chris--This was a nice message. I think that a Marx reading club is a great idea. Was considering doing an independent study next semester. Is that too long from now? What do you think?
Feeling inadequate is definitely a huge part of grad school so far, yeah. Sense of underpreparedness, definitely. I skipped class for the first time today and it felt wonderful (but all I did was read for another class :)).
Happy Halloween.
I stayed home today (sick) first time too! I laid on a couch and watched tv. I am a bit disoriented from ill. I am prepared to wait until after the term, definitely. we could simultaneously enroll in marx courses or independent studies and compare and contrast!
ghoulish!
Ghoulish :). Hope you are feeling better.
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